How to Grow (and Raise) an Alien...or Two

2008-01-23T09:58:00.000-08:00

So Arden just had her first day of preschool. They started a special class for the kids who were too young to start in the fall, but turned 3 before the end of the year. She walked right in and never looked back. I had to get her attention just to say "goodbye". Now I know that there are a lot of parents out there who would dream of being able to drop their kids off without tears, but I'm starting to wonder what I've done to my child. What makes it okay to drop her off somewhere she's never been before with people she's never met before? Does she want to get away from me that badly? Trust, me...I'm glad there's no struggle, but there's a little part of me that wouldn't mind a tear or two.

Before we moved into our new house, we rented a terrible, old, nasty house in town. Right behind us lived the directors of the Montessori school in town. I showed an interest in sending Arden...they told me that after watching Arden from their kitchen window that they weren't quite ready for her yet. How funny is that?

Every day when Ainsley gets off of the bus, she has treats for Greta. Apparantly, the bus driver has a thing for dogs...

2008-01-15T12:39:00.000-08:00

WHAT IS THE OBSESSION WITH PUBLIC RESTROOMS????????

2008-01-11T06:05:00.000-08:00

Wow...haven't posted here for a long long long time. When I started this blog, I was pregnant with #2. She is now 3 years old and one of the two best things in my life (on a daily basis, I would roll my eyes at this comment, but in the overall scheme of things, I do realize that my girls are fantastic and I'm truly blessed). Since the child has been born, hubby got a new job, we moved twice, changed schools in the middle of the school year and built a new house. We've been busy. And we HAVE decided to stay at the two child limit we placed on ourselves back during the hellish pregnancy. I just felt the need to update the blog and let everyone see my little aliens...

2005-02-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

I will begin this post stating that I just bought Ainsley a sweet little pair of not-exactly-cheap blue leather loafers. Since she is currently in a size 8, I bought them in a 9 so she can grow into them. When I brought them home, she fell in love with them and asked if she could wear them around the house. I saw no problem with this and was actually happy that she liked them so much.

Yesterday morning started way too early. Around 12:15am, Ainsley woke up crying for me. I went into her room and she sleepily told me that she peed the bed. She had never done this before even though we're only a few weeks into true potty training. She's stayed dry at night for months. I wasn't too worried, though, because I knew she wasn't feeling too well. She had been talking in her sleep since I tucked her in around 10:00. I stripped the bed and changed her pajamas. I gave her some Tylenol because she had an obvious fever and I went back to bed. She continued having a restless night and kept talking in her sleep. To comfort her, I went in her room and laid in her bed with her. She fell right asleep, but I did not. When my husband left for work, I realized that I hadn't slept at all, but that's okay. That's what mommies do when their kids are sick.

Now, I was prepared for a good poopy diaper from Arden as she hadn't pooped in two days. This has happened before and I knew what to expect. I had Arden in her rocking chair in the kitchen. I left the kitchen for a minute, came back and smelled it right away. As I picked her up, Ainsley informed me that she had to pee. Ainsley is doing a great job peeing on the potty (we're still working on pooping on the potty...poop seems to come on a little quicker for her and she doesn't always have time to make it to the potty). I told Ainsley to go ahead and go to the potty and I would change Arden. I took Arden in her room and laid her in her crib (never got a changing table...never felt the need). As I quickly pulled Arden's pajama pants off, the poop that had leaked out of the sides of her diaper smeared down her legs and actually managed to work it's way in between her toes. I did not panic. I actually laughed to myself thinking of what my husband would have done in this situation. As I started methodically wiping off my youngest daughter, my firstborn started crying rather hysterically from the bathroom. I got Arden to a point where she couldn't make the mess any worse and I went to check on Ainsley. There she stood, in the middle of the bathroom, with her panties around her ankles, in a puddle of pee. This has happened before. Ainsley gets sidetracked, not realizing how badly she really needs to go and she doesn't quite make it onto the toilet. This hasn't upset me in the past...it's easy enough to clean up...at least it was in the bathroom and not on the new carpet. However, this time, Ainsley had been wearing her new shoes. I had to have her slip her feet out of her shoes so I could pour the pee into the toilet. How do you clean pee of off brand new leather shoes that have basically been soaked in it? I put Ainsley in the tub, cleaned the floor, wiped the shoes off with Clorox wipes (as least they're germ-free now) and I put them in the garage where they still sit. I don't know what to do with them.

On a normal day, this ploethera of bodily function madness would put some people over the edge, but try dealing with it on no sleep. I'm sure I'll laugh about it one day. That day has not yet come.

2005-02-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

Ainsley is 3 going on 13. I yelled at her once for something in the kitchen. I really can't remember what it was about. My husband told me that he watched her stomp up the stairs, go straight to her room and shut the door. If she was 13, I would have thought "what a brat," but since she's only 3, the only thing I could do is laugh.

Last week, she came into my room and said "Mommy, I love you." I said, "Thank you, honey. That's very sweet. I love you, too."

She then paused and looked like she was in deep thought. Then she said, "I don't like Daddy. Daddy sucks."

I laughed, but only when she wasn't looking.

2005-01-31T11:19:00.000-08:00

It's 2:20pm. I got my shower and had both girls bathed before noon! Ainsley is having quiet time in her room while she watches a movie (quiet time has now been substituted for a nap, although sometimes quiet time still turns into a nap). Arden is napping very nicely in her room. I will fold some laundry and drag the garbage to the curb and I'm free & clear until dinner. Thing is, I'd be willing to bet that "free & clear" turns into anything but. For now, though, the house is quiet and I'm going to sit very still for at least 5 minutes before I do anything that comes close to housework or children.

I even shaved my legs.

2004-12-21T08:30:00.000-08:00

On some level, I always knew this, but I've recently come to the stark realization that I'm not anywhere close to being the perfect mother. If someone came to my front door at noon, I'd still be in my pajamas, unshowered. I may have had something to drink since I woke up, but nothing to eat. My 3-year-old daughter would be eating Easy Mac for the fourth day in a row (hey, it's what she asks for and I'm not complaining). I'd probably be carrying the baby around or feeding her. Having a baby attached to your breast for 20 minutes every 2 hours may not seem like a lot, but to the breastfeeding mother, it seems like the child is eating all the time.

I'm trying to get onto a schedule with the kids, but right now, I'm just feeling lucky if everything gets done and I get showered before my husband gets home. My goal lately has been to get a shower while it's still morning. I put Arden in her crib and turn on the mobile and run into the shower. It's not the most relaxing way of doing things, but at least it's getting done. What I'm trying to do is get to the point where when the girls are taking afternoon naps (at the same time, I hope and pray), I can sit and relax and do something just for me. I don't want to feel like I have to spend this time doing more laundry or unloading the dishwasher so I can get the pile of dirty dishes out of the sink.

Having two kids is a lot different than having one. Especially when one is mobile and can undo everything that I do in a day. I remember telling people that I always wanted 3 or 4 kids and I was struggling with my decision to not have any more since I was so sick this time. Physically, I know I really can't do it again. Emotionally, I really would love to go through the whole thing again...especially labor and having a brand new baby. But now, I'm going to kick my emotional side's butt and just be practical. Do I really want to go through the whole new baby thing again? I don't think so. And if I stick with 2, I can get rid of the minivan and trade it in for something a little more stylish.

I love my kids. Here's to not spreading the love too thin!

2004-10-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

As miserable as I was one month ago, I am that happy right now. I'm not going to the miserable place called "work" every day; I am chubby, but not fat; my house is clean and in order; I can reach my feet to paint my toenails; I can see my feet; both of my beautiful girls are asleep at the same time; Arden let me sleep for 7 straight hours last night; I watch Shrek every day and I love it; it's 2:00pm and I'm still in my pajamas.

I figured that since I spent the last 9 months complaining, I should be fair and share the rejoicing now.

Life really is good.

2004-09-23T08:15:00.000-07:00

Baby girl made her arrival on Saturday, September 18th at 10:49pm. Her name is Arden Reese and she was 7 pounds 9 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches long. The labor was easy up to 6cm and then the doctor broke my water. The contractions hit and after 6 of them, I was screaming for the epidural. Turns out, it wouldn't have mattered the stupid epidural didn't work, but I was only in real pain for a little over an hour. After 10 minutes of pushing (about 12 pushes), Arden came out screaming like a banshee. I felt fabulous. Immediately after she was born, I was starving and I actually had enough energy to hold her and feed her. I haven't been nauseated at all and haven't had heartburn once. I'm still not sleeping at night, but that's only because Arden has mandated it.

Life is good.

2004-09-15T01:07:00.000-07:00

I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that this baby is never going to be born. I've been having contractions for about 2 weeks, but since I'm not progressing at all, there's nothing the doctors can do for me. Actually, there IS something they can do to help it along, they just won't do it. At this point, I'm very frustrated with my doctors. I'm going every week for appointments and I've seen them in the hospital a few times over the past couple weeks. They monitor me, check to see if I've dilated anymore and monitor the baby to make sure she's okay, but other than that, they are worthless. How about treating the whole patient??? When I said that I just wanted to die, one of the doctors smiled at me and patted my leg. What's that about???? What if I'm seriously depressed? A little pat on the leg is not going to help me out. I've said something like this to 3 different doctors. They really don't seem to care even a little. I really think that OB doctors should be a little more sensitive to a pregnant woman's feelings. Hey, I realize that my emotions run rampant, but a little sympathy, real sympathy, would go a long way for me. I know in my head that this baby is going to come out soon...they said that they would induce on the 27th, if the baby isn't here by then...I already have the appointment. But if you were to consult my emotional side...this baby is never going to be born. I feel like I'm going to be pregnant for the rest of my life...like the pregnancy is terminal. I cry a lot.

2004-09-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

Depression is definitely setting in.

2004-08-31T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm still pregnant. Ugh. I went into the hospital about a week and a half ago because I was having contractions. They told me that I was 2cm dilated and then promptly gave me a shot to stop the contractions. That was the end of week 34. They said that if it was the end of week 35, they wouldn't have done anything to stop it. I'm starting to wish now that I hadn't said anything and just stayed home. I could have the baby at home...

I'm fat, tired and I have a tough time doing just about anything. I really do feel like this baby is never going to come. I don't sleep at night and then I nap during the day, which I'm sure keeps me from sleeping at night...

I'm either going to sit down and cry now or go jump on the neighbor's trampoline.

2004-08-06T01:29:00.000-07:00

On Sunday night the phone rang at almost midnight. Since everyone who knows us knows that we'd be in bed by then and that we have a two-year-old who would also be in bed, I automatically shot out of bed thinking it was an emergency. On my way to get the phone in my sleepy, seemingly drunken state, I slipped and fell down 6 steps. I say 6 steps because that would be the maximum since there are only 6 on that flight of stairs. Could have been less, but it didn't feel like it. I didn't tumble, but instead just tumbled and grasped for the rail. I didn't hit my belly and since I didn't have any bleeding, my water didn't break, and the baby was moving around alot as she usually does at this time of night, I wasn't really concerned. Somehow, though, I managed to cut my finger. I went back to bed and when I woke up in the morning, the condition that I have where walking is becoming increasingly difficult (symphesis separation) had been aggrivated and I couldn't walk at all. The condition is caused by pregnancy hormones softening the pelvic bone so the baby can fit through during labor. With my luck, the hormones kicked in early and it feels like, with any step, my legs may just fall off. Well the fall made it even worse. I called my doctor's office and they told me to go straight to the hospital emergency room because they wanted to monitor the baby. Now, I know this may sound strange being the paranoid pregnant woman that I am, but I wasn't concerned about the baby at all. I read books. I know that with all the amniotic fluid in there that she probably didn't even feel the fall. And as long as the fluid stayed in there, there wasn't really a problem. It took them about 4 hours to tell me that she was perfectly fine swimming around in there. As far as my real problem...I still couldn't walk. I seriously considered getting a walker. All the doctor could tell me on that one is to take some tylenol. Um, okay. That helps with the pain, but what about this not-being-able-to-walk thing? I was holding onto walls and shuffling like a little, old man who is eight months pregnant. Get a pregnancy belt, she told me. Well at least the store that we went to had carts that I could use for support. My husband wanted me to use one of the store wheelchairs. I considered it for a moment, but realized that I couldn't take it with me, so why bother? I haven't been to work all week. I'm walking better with the pregnancy belt (a.k.a. belly bra), but I'm afraid that halfway through the day, I won't be able to move anymore and I'll be stranded. Work is the last place on earth I would want to be stranded. I've also contracted a nice cough that's given me a pretty decent sore throat. The sore throat in conjunction with the pain from the symphesis separation keeps me from sleeping well, so by the time the alarm goes off in the morning, I may have gotten a total of an hour's sleep. Driving and working under these conditions just seems impossible to me.

Yesterday afternoon, I had a sudden feeling of panic that I may never give birth to this baby. I feel like I've been pregant for forever and I just may stay this way. I cried pretty hard for about 10 minutes. Is this what they talk about when they discuss pregnancy hormones? I know that my fear is unfounded, but I just couldn't help it. I think I may just be going insane. It's a little scary thinking that the post-partum depression is setting in before I ever even have the baby.

And the phone call was not an emergency.

2004-07-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

Just got back from the beach. You should have seen this body in a bathing suit! Ha! I wasn't passing up on the opportunity to get a tan, though!

I haven't barfed in a while. Now, I just get heartburn where I think I'm gonna throw up, but then I just get a gross taste in my mouth. Still taking the anti-nausea meds along with Pepcid and a lot of Tums. I think I'm handling it pretty well, now. I get really tired...not just sleepy tired, but physically exhausted. I try to take walks with Ainsley, but I get about 5 houses up the street and I'm afraid that I won't get back if I go any further. I'm having problems walking like I did when I was pregnant with Ainsley. It's feels almost like my legs aren't connected to my pelvis anymore. They just don't want to move! It's very bizarre. The doctors explained it last time that my pelvis is softening so much that it's like my legs just don't want to do what I want them to do. They said that it's rare, but nothing to worry about. That's all fine and good, but what am I supposed to do for the next 2 months?

Baby girl is moving around a lot. I lay down at night and just watch my belly take different shapes. It's very strange...almost alien...

2004-06-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

I'm still fat.

2004-06-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

I've been nauseated for the past couple weeks, but have only barfed a few times.

I'm fat.

2004-05-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

I just had a strange thought. Do people have a second child in case something happens to the first one? I realize that this sounds morbid and rather psychotic, but it's not an unheard of theory...it's just never been stated this way. People think it. You know they do. They just don't say it outloud. Ever been to a funeral for someone's child? Overhear someone say, "Well, it's so good that they have little Johnny. If they didn't have him, they would probably just fall apart." Looks to me like little Johnny has some big shoes to fill. I am so in love with Ainsley. I never knew that I was capable of that kind of love until she was born. I know that, now, if she were taken away from me, there would be a huge void...where would I direct this love? Do we have more than one child just to ensure that we have someone upon which to bestow our parental love? Or do we do it just so we have more hands to work the fields?

In about 4 months, I will be jobless. Normally, I would view this as a positive thing, but I think that the change will feel very strange to me. It's not that my job defines me or anything, but what exactly is my purpose? Is it to provide for my family? Is it to look after my family and simply give them the love and support that they need?

My church is currently in the midst of a "40 Days of Purpose" seminar type thing based on the book Purpose Driven Life. I'm wondering if everyone comes out of it with the same basic purpose for their life since they're all using the same book and attending the same seminars. Or let's go the non-cynical route and assume that everyone really and truly does discover what their true purposes are. Does everyone really want to know what their purpose in life is? I mean, it would be really great to find out that your purpose is to change the world in some meaningful way...discovering the cure for cancer; getting the world's leaders together to achieve global peace; become president, a senator or even a judge; be a part of a charity that really makes a difference; own a business that is based on morals and good judgement that serves as a model to all other corrupt businesses; be a parent that raises children of integrity - who in turn grow up to have their own amazing purposes...

BUT...what if you find out that your purpose is to pump gas until you retire (I know of one such person) or that you are to be a drone for your entire life so someone else can fulfill their purpose of being a leader? After discovering what your purpose is, are you allowed to try to alter it if you don't like it? I really do believe that everyone has a God-given purpose, but why do we feel like it's necessary to label ourselves with this purpose? If we live our lives the way that we should, do we not trust God to integrate this purpose into our lives? Isn't trying to find out what our purpose is sort of like trying to understand what God's plan is? Do we not trust that God has a plan for us?

I'm all for the concept of life-long learning, but in this case, I'm wondering is ignorance isn't bliss.

2004-05-17T12:48:00.001-07:00

It has definitely been a long, hard road, but I think I may be rising above the hardships. My doctor insisted on having the PICC line removed. I was very unhappy with this news, but my husband, my advocate, stood up for me. He suggested that they leave the line in for a week while I went without the meds. This way, I knew that I could fall back on the PICC line if things started to get bad again. The doctor agreed, but only if I used the line if I started barfing. She said that nausea was not a good enough reason to rely on the line. The week began. The third day was Saturday and I started feeling nauseated, so I pumped some meds into the line. Oh, how good it felt! The next day was Mother's Day (and the weather was beautiful) so I didn't give the nausea a chance to rear it's ugly head...pumped some more meds. Oh joy! Needless to say, I was a junkie. I just viewed this as my husband gaining me an extra week of nausea-free heaven. On Friday, the line came out. It really is nice to shower without having to wrap my arm in plastic wrap.

I'm fat. I now weigh what I weighed when I went into labor with Ainsley. I'm only half way there. I'm a stinking cow. The doctors don't seem to be too concerned about it though. They're just happy that I'm not at the hospital every other day using my insurance. The thing that gets me is that, in my non-pregnant state, I'm very thin. I'm surprised at how rude people can really be:

"You're not due for 4 months...you look like you could pop any second!"
"Exactly how much weight have you gained?"
"Are you sure you're not having twins?"
"I never got that big when I was pregnant."
"So-and-so was hardly showing at this point in her pregnancy."
"What happens when you grow out of your maternity clothes?"

Had an ultrasound on Saturday. The baby is growing perfectly. And it's a girl! I think it will rock to have 2 girls. So glad that hubby agrees. I know a lot of guys that really feel the need to have a son. My husband admitted to me that he was secretly hoping for a girl. How cute is that?

Well, here's to more nauseating days without vomit.

2004-04-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

Well. After gaining back the 10 pounds I lost and putting on an additional 20, my doctor feels that I'm on the way to being cured. I no longer have to get IV fluids at night (which really frees me up for peeing in the middle of the night). I'm still shooting the anti-nausea meds during the day, but I've cut it back to only twice a day. I'm not nauseated at all, but I'm always hungry and always tired. Today is my first day back to work. At this point, I should add that I'm also depressed. I'm feeling really weak right now, so we'll see what happens.

I had a dream Sunday night that we had an ultrasound and they told us it was a girl.

2004-03-31T13:10:00.000-08:00

Still not barfing. A bit nauseated and really tired, but I'm not complaining. The other day, I did break down and cry when I noticed that the tape from my IV line has torn the skin off of my arm. My body is falling apart.

I really would like to enjoy this pregnancy at some point. I want to glow. Instead, I have bags under my eyes and my skin has a tint of green to it. Ugh.

2004-03-22T10:16:00.000-08:00

Barfing up my lunch was just the beginning. After hurling for most of Thursday, I called my dad and requested a ride to the hospital. When I got there, I was told that they were going to give me an IV. I refused it and insisted on speaking with a doctor. Why would I be happy with an IV? Sure, give me fluids now, send me home and I'll be back tomorrow because my vein will collapse yet again. I explained to them that I didn't want a band-aid for this problem...I needed something that would work on a more long term basis. At this point, I got to talk to a resident and then the attending. This got me an overnight stay at L'Hotel Magee. They agreed with me and gave me a picc line. This is a more advanced version of an IV. Instead of the tube on the IV being a couple inches long, it's 12 - 14 inches long. It goes in my upper arm, through my shoulder and down toward my heart. So far so good. I'm just a bit nauseated and really tired, but the vomitting has ceased. They said that the picc line can last anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months. I hope I'm closer to the 2 week end because it really grosses me out when I think about it.

2004-03-17T11:26:00.000-08:00

I barfed up my lunch. Here we go...

2004-03-16T20:45:00.000-08:00

So I took a little hiatus from the How to Grow an Alien story. I had another episode of continuous barfing. The trip to the emergency room turned into a stay at L'hotel Magee Women's Hospital. They wanted to keep me on an IV and also wanted to "observe" me. I must not have been very interesting to observe because I was unceremoniously discharged after only 3 days. I was a little disappointed...the hospital had room service. Seriously...you call them, order from a menu, and 45 minutes later, someone brings your food to your bedside. And the food was decent. Anyhoo, I guess they decided that as uninteresting as I was, I still needed medical attention. They signed me up for visiting nurses. I'm like an old person. When it started they were coming every day. These nurses had the fun assignment of inserting new IV lines and teaching me how to hook myself up for home IV therapy. UPS delivers IV fluids packed in ice, syringes, medications...the whole lot. I don't have to leave the house. Now, this is the problem with this wonderful arrangement. An IV, for those of you who aren't familiar, pumps fluid from a bag directly into a vein in your arm. This way, I stay hydrated and medications given this way are more effective. However, each IV location doesn't usually last for more than 3 days. This is where the nurses come in. They bring out the big needles and find another vein in my arm that hasn't already been tapped. When an IV is "blown", the fluid no longer goes directly into your vein. It finds somewhere else in your arm to go...usually right under your skin. The first 3 times this happened, I discovered it fairly quickly, as the swelling becomes obvious and my arm would get rather sore. BUT, when it happened the fourth time, I was asleep and didn't feel it right away. Imagine my surprise when I awoke to an arm twice the size that it was when I fell asleep. I pulled the IV out and called the nurse (there's no call button at home...that's just in the hospital...I actually had to pick up the phone and call the nurse). She came today and used that big needle 3 times before stating "all of your veins are blown...this isn't going to work". Therefore, for the time being, I am off of IV therapy. Hopefully, I won't start barfing again. If I do, it's a whole 'nother story that I won't get into unless it actually happens.

I had a doctor's appointment today with my OB/GYN. I heard the baby's heartbeat. It's amazing how I can be so ill and the little thing seems to be uneffected.

So for now, I shall lay awake, sweating, and staring at the clock until the alarm goes off.

2004-03-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

The doctor did not have a miracle cure. Her cure was, "you need to go to the hospital". I spent about 6 hours at the hospital receiving fluids and anti-nausea medications. The attending doctor wanted to admit me, but one of the residents overruled him (how often does that happen?). However, the resident did say that if this keeps happening over the next two weeks, they will admit me with some special kind of IV. Sounds like great fun. I'm now taking the anti-nausea medicine that all of the others bow to (this means that it's expensive, but most likely the best). If it doesn't work, I really don't know what I'll do.

My neighbor did an ultrasound for me on Saturday just so I could see the baby and have some peace of mind. The baby is doing exactly what it should be doing and is exactly the right size and everything. It's like the little thing doesn't have a clue what's going on. Oh to be that oblivious...

2004-02-26T13:24:00.000-08:00

So I haven't been to work for about 3 weeks. As much as I don't like my job, I really would rather be there than doing what I'm doing. Morning sickness is a total misnomer. I throw up at all times of the day and it doesn't get better. It's impossible to even function. The doctors have informed me that I have what is called "hyperemesis gravidarum" which in normal person terms is really really bad morning sickness. The kind that puts you in the hospital and requires that you get IV fluids. Fabulous. Needless to say, I don't get out of bed much (except to run to the bathroom to hurl). I weigh less now than I did when I first got pregnant. I worry about the baby since it really can't be getting much nourishment from me and my doctors told me to stop taking my vitamins. I hope I can make up for all of this if this latin condition ever goes away.

My next doctor's appointment is Monday...maybe they'll have a miracle cure.

2004-02-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

I always said that I wanted 3 or 4 kids. I've now decided that 2 is plenty.

Last Sunday, I started spotting. Not a lot, but enough to make a paranoid pregnant woman freak out. I went to the emergency room and the doctor did an ultrasound with a portable machine. Why bother. All she could tell me is that my uterus is enlarged which pretty much ruled out an ectopic pregnancy, which she informed me could be potentially life-threatening. I told her that it was all very interesting, but what about the baby? Is the baby okay? She said that she couldn't even see a baby, but she's not very good at doing ultrasounds. What a crock. She said to follow up with my doctor the next day and they could do a better ultrasound. When I called the next morning, they told me to come in at 10:00 and they could do an ultrasound for me at 3:00. An all-day adventure. Goody. The ultrasound confirmed to the day how far along I thought I was. And sure enough, there was a heartbeat. Completely and totally amazing.

Then the severe morning sickness hit. I'm talking knock-you-out-you're-not-getting-out-of-bed-except-to-puke morning sickness. I ended up in the emergency room again on Friday because I was severely dehydrated. Who wouldn't be? Any time I even thought about drinking or eating something, I threw up. The smell of the soap my husband uses on his hands makes me wanna hurl. We have a new mouse pad and right now, as I sit typing, the smell of it makes me want to pass out.

I actually asked my sister to be a surrogate for me, but I guss it's a little late for that.

Two kids are nice. It's a nice balance. I see no need to go through this torture again.

2004-02-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

Even to those who don't enjoy the taste of coffee, the smell of a fresh pot brewing is sublime.

This morning I smelled it and promptly threw up.

2004-02-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is within a woman that makes her obsess about her pregnancy. I was lurking around the bulletin boards on my favorite baby website and women are nuts. I can say this, because I am one of them.

Some of them have had positive pregnancy tests and yet are doubting that they are pregnant.
I have 6 positive tests at home. I keep them around so I can look at them...just to remind myself that it's true.

There are women that have miscarried before and are convinced that it's going to happen again.
Been there. I think I enjoyed my last pregnancy for a total of 15 minutes. The rest of the time was spent worrying that the baby wouldn't make it or would be born with two heads (which, by the way, would support my alien theory...). Sidenote: The baby did, in fact, make it and her one head is just beautiful. So far during this pregnancy, I have thought about miscarrying, but the slight case of ADD that I have comes in handy here.

Some women have gained weight quickly and are afraid that they're carrying twins. Please. You're pregnant. You're supposed to gain weight. What about the millions of people that are gaining weight and aren't even pregnant??? They can't even blame the weight gain on one baby.

Thing is, I haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg. There's a lot more crazy where this stuff came from.

What makes women do this? Is it a "mother bear" syndrome that makes us totally protective of our young even before they're born? Is it an overwhelming sense of responsibility and that we just don't want to fail? Do we not have enough faith that everything has a purpose and that we really aren't in control of everything/anything? Or are we all just eternal pessimists?

I'm gonna go take another pregnancy test.

2004-02-04T06:22:00.000-08:00

Hello Little Tadpole,

Up to this point, I've been feeling pretty good. I've gotten a little nauseated and tired in the afternoons, but it was nothing I couldn't handle. Then I woke up this morning. Ugh. I got out of bed to wake up your big sister and it hit. I have morning sickness. To be honest, it makes me feel better having it. It's normal...it means that something is going on in there.

Everyone is already asking me if I want a boy or a girl. The first time I was pregnant, I really wanted a girl and I got her. Now it really doesn't matter. I'd be so happy either way. If you're a girl, Ainsley would have a sister to play with. This would be awesome, and I speak from experience. I would also have less shopping to do, because we already have tons of girlie clothes - some still with tags. If you're a boy, I'd have one of each. A nice little balanced family. As much as your daddy loves playing with Ainsley, I know that he'd have a blast with a little boy around. I don't have any boy clothes, but I guess you could wear dresses for a while. You won't know the difference.

I'm feeding you oatmeal right now. Hope you're enjoying it.

Love,
Mommy

2004-01-30T09:04:00.000-08:00

I no longer feel guilty about calling the baby an alien. I was just checking on the development of the baby and babycenter.com called it a tadpole:

You may not look pregnant at this point, but your embryo's heart, no bigger than a poppyseed, has already begun to beat and pump blood. The heart is dividing into chambers, and will find a more regular rhythm soon. The embryo itself is about a quarter inch long and looks more like a tadpole than a human. It undergoes a growth spurt this week.

Major organs, including the kidneys and liver, begin to grow. The neural tube, which connects the brain and spinal cord, will close this week. The embryo's upper and lower limb buds begin to sprout — these will form your baby's arms and legs. The intestines are developing and the appendix is in place.

Below the opening that will later form the mouth, small folds exist where the neck and the lower jaw eventually develop. As early as this week, facial features are already forming. Nostrils are becoming distinct, and the earliest version of the eyes' retinas are forming.

It's so amazing to me that it's only 1/4 of an inch long and all of this stuff is already going on. As I sit at my desk and type, major organs are developing inside of me and they aren't my organs!

Okay, little tadpole...grow well. I will do my best to take care of you and make sure that you have a comfy growing environment. Be good. Love, Mommy

2004-01-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

I have no idea how doctors calculate how far along a woman is in her pregnancy. Even though I only found out about the little alien last week, according to my doctor, I am 5 weeks pregnant. Whatever.

Whether it's one week, two weeks, or five weeks, I'm not sure that people should be able to tell that I'm pregnant. I was going to try to not tell anyone for a while (simply because I'm paranoid that I could miscarry), however the poof is giving away the secret. It's sad when you're 5 weeks pregnant and your belly is sticking out farther than your boobs. I had to start telling people. I couldn't have them thinking, "Boy, she really should start doing some sit-ups." I'm now just convincing myself that everything just remembers where it was during my last pregnancy and it's all just moving comfortably into place already.

I'm a little nauseated, but not bad. My biggest symtom is exhaustion. I'm constantly tired. I'm refusing to give into it, though. I have a full time job, a husband, a house and a 2-year-old that won't sit calmly by while I take a nap. I MUST NOT GIVE INTO IT.

This baby (a.k.a. "alien") was not an "accident". Sidebar: I absolutely hate when people get pregnant and say that it was an "accident". There are no accidents where conception is concerned. There's only one surefire way to not get pregnant. Don't have sex. If a person gets pregnant and wasn't planning on it, she should say that it was unplanned. So there.

Anyhoo, this baby was planned. We were blessed because we didn't have to try long (my husband most likely would not consider this a blessing, but he's not the one writing this). The first month when I tested, I was disappointed to get a negative result. The second month when I tested and got a positive result, I had to take 4 more tests to convince myself that it was true. Sometimes, I'm still not sure that I believe it. It's something that we were planning for and something we were so looking forward to and now that it's in the works, I can't help but think, "Oh, Lord, what have I done?" Our little family life is perfect the way it is: Daddy, Mommy & daughter. The dynamic is wonderful. Now we went and stirred it all up.

Everyday, I go from elation to confusion. Let's blame it on the hormones.

2004-01-28T13:27:00.000-08:00

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not calling babies aliens. The whole conception, pregnancy and birth process things are all very miraculous, but I can't get over the idea of there being something alive in my body (aside from the typical bacteria, tapeworms and other organisms that everyone has...). One day an egg gives a sperm a flirty little look and next thing you know he's all over her. Together they turn into a little group of cells that makes a second pink line show up on a pregnancy test. Then the insanity starts. The thing takes over my entire body. My boobs start to hurt, I'm exhausted, I'm nauseated, I'm emotional (which really is no different than any other time, but it's a bit more pronounced), I'm hungry, I'm exhausted, I'm starving, I'm exhausted... The group of cells starts to grow into a bigger group of cells. Without warning...a burp and then a fart. Wow...when did I get so gassy? The little group of cells is busy arranging all of it's DNA, deciding what sex it's going to be, what it will look like and what college it will go to. After a few weeks, while it still looks like a little blob, a heart starts beating. Within my body, there are two hearts beating. This thing will make my belly grow to an enormous size and when born, will leave behind stretch marks and flabby skin that will never go back into place. After being born, it will be able to support it's own life with it's own heart and own little organs that it grew all on its own inside my body. But before it's born, I will be supporting it...I will be its life source. Before it's born, it's kind of like a parasite...kind of like an alien.

My history:

July 7, 2000: I found out that I was pregnant. Wow - we weren't even trying.

August 8, 2000: I had a miscarriage. Thought about all the things that I did to cause it: painted rooms in my new house, carried furniture and heavy boxes when we moved, sat in hot tubs (I still don't understand not being able to do this...pregnant women NEED hot tubs), walked around too much in insane heat in New Orleans. So many people miscarry, though, so I had to convince myself to stop thinking this way. Every once in a while, my mind still goes there, but since I'm borderline ADD, it doesn't stay there for long.

December 24, 2000: Positive pregnancy test. Talk about being paranoid and obsessive. I was so worried that something was going to happen and I wouldn't get this baby, either. I was so odd that I welcomed morning sickness! Yikes!

August 21, 2001: After about 18 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing, Ainsley Brynn was born at 3:14pm. She was 2 weeks early and weighed in at 8 pounds 7 ounces. She was beautiful and perfect, and perfect and beautiful. She still is. It's like someone took out my heart and it's walking around outside of me.

January 20, 2004: A faint pink line on the pregnancy test...could it be?

January 22, 2004: Yes, it could be. I'm growing an alien.